[learn_press_profile]
As we draw near to the end of this sermon series on values, I want to write about how we can combine the last three values we have covered in a way that allows us to carry forward in ministry. That is the goal after all! To be able to regularly live out all the values not because we are intentionally focusing on one, but because they have all shown themselves as an active and obvious part of our lives! A reminder our five values as a church are… (can you name them before I write them here – give it a try) community, diversity, love, honesty and depth.
So, in case you didn’t catch it at the beginning, the last three together, when you combine them, equals the title of this article. Loving people honestly and deeply. That is what it means to live out those three together.
We are called to love God and love people, it is the summary of everything that the scriptures say and everything that we try and do as a church. It is the result of experiencing the life giving love of God in Jesus Christ. Love!! But, love in itself is difficult to explain or define, so adding the next two values help us to do that. It doesn’t do any good to try to love someone deeply but leave out the honesty, or to love people honestly without loving them deeply. To truly show love you need to combine the three – and that goes to the all important step of loving yourself, too.
Let me try and illustrate this for you by talking about marriage – which should be a great incubator of honest and deep love, but too often becomes a partnership rather than a relationship.
When an engaged couple comes into my office for pre-marital counselling, I always have them do certain exercises to build communication skills, learn how to manage conflict and plan for their lives together. We address many different issues including financial management, dealing with family of origin habits/patterns (and with that how you deal with in-laws), marriage expectations, growing in assertiveness and active listening and how to fight fairly. We want to work on these issues before they really become ISSUES so that couples can learn how to make their marriage last. And that take being open, honest and vulnerable – not easy but necessary to build a good marriage. Too often engaged couples spend so much time getting ready for their wedding that they forget to work on their marriage.
A little aside here – I am happy to work with people who are trying to improve their marriage, too, and would love to work with you on some of these same things. If that is something that you (and your spouse) would be interested in, talk to me and we can set things up. I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT WITH YOU!! Shoot me an email and we can get started. I am not a counsellor per se, but love working with people to help strengthen marriages.
To practice that my first exercise with them is an easy one: I ask them a question that they should be able to answer quickly and easily: What do you love about your future spouse? At least this should be a pretty easy question to answer because it isn’t all that personal or difficult during what is most likely a high point of both love and awareness of the reasons for that love. If this isn’t an easy question to answer then the premarital counseling session might head in a slightly different direction. The most difficult part of the exercise is that I make them say that to each other with me present. Awkward enough to verbalize the “I love you because…” lines without someone in the room.
The second part of this exercise becomes more difficult – primarily because it is more personal and requires a little more vulnerability. I say to them, “Now the second question is very similar, but with a twist. I want you to say what the other person does that makes you feel most loved.” So I have them look each other in the eye and say, “You make me feel loved when you…” The person has to receive that and repeat it back to them to show that they understand it before they can ask any clarifying questions.
I do this because it helps give an awareness of how we feel loved and how we can learn to love other people. This is an exercise in honesty and vulnerability. You have to be vulnerable enough with your partner to share what it is that makes you feel loved and you have to listen to what the other person needs from you. It is most likely something that you are already doing – I have yet to have a couple use this as a way of getting someone to develop a new habit. It isn’t I would feel loved with you if you would clean the toilet every once in a while.
A couple of points from this:
First point: If we are going to love each other deeply and honestly, and if we are going to bring God’s love to the world, we are going to have to listen to each other. We are going to have to ask the other what they need and want, we need to ask them what makes them feel loved, and then strive to do that. We can’t just look at their lives and determine what they need. We need to ask, listen and act! We are going to have to love each other in ways that makes the other person feel loved rather than just ways that make us feel like we are loving.
Second point: If we are going to learn to love and be loved by God – which we need to do if we are going to love other people since love comes from God – we are going to need to answer this question about ourselves in relation to God. What is it that makes us feel the love and presence of God the most? When do we experience God’s grace and blessing in our lives? But, armed with this knowledge we don’t just ask God to do more of that – we put ourselves in a place where we can experience God doing that! That is actually how we ask God to love us in this way since we aren’t changing God, we are just learning how to experience him on a deeper level. That is what the spiritual disciplines are all about: putting ourselves in the place where we can experience God’s grace and love in a transformative way.
This is what the church needs to be aware of as it seeks to love people honestly and deeply. Be loved by God and then be ready to love others in a way that they can truly feel and experience that love. Honestly and deeply loving and being loved is the Christian story and the Christian mission.
